Temper tantrums can be one of the most frustrating experiences of being a parent. Prior to reading any of the following information, I strongly recommend you start by downloading and reading my free eBook –
Child Behavior Guide: What you need to know.
It provides information about factors that can influence and actually increase the likelihood of tantrums and meltdowns. Applying the information provided below can be helpful, but if you are dealing with a situation that falls into one of the categories outlined in my book, it may take a longer time before you start to notice any improvements. It’s fast, it’s free, please take the time to read it first.
Temper tantrums typically begin around 18 months of age and should disappear around 3-4 years of age. If you are continuing to see temper tantrums past the age of 4, then you definitely need some additional help and support. However, for children diagnosed with a
pervasive developmental disorder
or
behavior disorder,
you will most likely see similar behavior often referred to as a meltdown.
Most temper tantrums or meltdowns occur during one of these four situations.
Usually, it should be obvious to you which reason your child is throwing a temper tantrum. Although if one of the proactive strategies outlined in my book is not in place, the likelihood and frequency of temper tantrums may increase to a point where it seems like anything and everything can result in a temper tantrum. So, after those systems are in place, it will be more obvious under what circumstances will result in a tantrum.
The biggest mistake I see parents make is to give a child an item or allow your child to do an activity after you have said no and your child throws a fit. What did your child just learn? That throwing a temper tantrum gets your child what he or she wants.
I understand that it can be very difficult as a parent not to give in to your child when he or she is behaving terribly and you just want it to stop. However, this sort of behavior can only get worse and when your child is a teenager, which some of you may already be to this point, he or she will increase the severity and intensity of the behavior to the point where you either give in or deal with serious consequences.
At that point a little temper tantrum from a two-year-old will seem like small potatoes. You'll wish for just a temper tantrum at that point. What kind of life is this? It is much easier to follow through with a little 2-year-old than a much bigger and stronger 14-year-old that has had 12 years of learning what works to get what he or she wants.
I have worked with parents that walk on egg shells and are afraid of their own children. Therefore, I am going to provide some strategies that will help you to follow through. However, this will still require effort on your part. It will be much easier if you start this right during the terrible two stages, when they are learning, but even if you are only learning this information now for your 14-year-old it should still help.
Tips on ways to say no without a fight:
• Avoid saying “No,” and tell them what they can have instead. For example, if they want juice or pop and your child can’t have any, but your child can have water only say, “You can have water.” He or she asks again and you say ”You can have water.” Then continue to get the water and hand it to them and walk away ignoring all other behavior.
For an older child that might ask to go to a friend’s house and can’t go, you can say, “You can stay here and play a game with me, watch a movie, or hang out in your room.” They may still get upset, but just go get a couple games and say, “Which do you want to play?” If they keep asking, simply say, “I told you- you can stay here and play a game with me, watch a movie or hang out in your room.” Then walk away.
• When you are tired, stressed or vulnerable, just say “Yes” right away as long as it isn’t something unsafe or impossible to have/do. If you know that you are in a position where you will not be able to follow through when you say no, just say yes in the first place.
Why say no, have him or her throw a fit to where you end up saying yes anyways and the only thing you accomplished was teaching them that when you say no it doesn’t matter. Then be sure to follow the next tip.
• Practice saying “No” and following through when in circumstances you are absolutely positive you will follow through.
For example, we have a DVD player in our car for our son to watch on long trips to visit family. We don’t like letting him watch it unless the trip is longer than one hour. However, when we first got it, he wanted to watch it all the time. If we said no he would throw a horrible tantrum (2-years-old). We knew if we gave in, that we would reinforce his behavior, so the first time we had to endure a tantrum for 30 minutes.
Driving with a kid throwing a temper tantrum is awful! So, we decided to start with trips less than 10 minutes, knowing that we could endure a 10 minute tantrum. After successfully saying no without a tantrum, we were able to put the original rule of DVD’s only for trips longer than one hour back into place.
• Eliminate the biggest problems. If your child is constantly fighting to get the same thing, such as a donut or to play a certain video game, don’t bring donuts into your home and pack away the video game until he or she begins to better accept not always getting what he or she wants.
Steps to follow if your child does get upset
1. Say your child’s name. It helps to orient them to the situation.
2. Validate his or her feelings. It lets your child know you care about his/her feelings.
3. Say you are sorry they can’t have/do what they are requesting and that you wish you could give it to him/her.
4. Give a valid reason why you don’t want them to have/do what they are requesting. Saying things like “Because I said so.” may cause your child to think that you are just trying to be mean, even though this is not the case.
It can also cause them to escalate into anger. If you don’t have a valid reason then you may need to really think about why you are saying no.
5. Tell them again what they can have. Example: “Christian, it looks like you are really angry that you can’t have a piece of candy right now. I’m sorry, I wish I could give it to you, but we are going to be eating dinner in 15 minutes and I don’t want to spoil your appetite.
You can have a couple of pieces of cheese while you are waiting for dinner.” Proceed to ignore his/her behavior while getting the cheese and putting it in front of him/her. Then walk away.
• Always use a calm and gentle tone of voice. Some parents think that by sounding harsh and firm they will be more authoritative and get better compliance.
However, this can often cause a mirrored response from a child resulting in harsh behavior from them in return.
Think about a situation in which you were unable to get something you wanted.
Let’s say you went to the bank and tried to get money out of your account, but the teller told you no. In one situation, the teller says, “No, I will not give you any money.” You begin to get upset and demand that she give you your money. She raises her voice and says, “Absolutely not sir. I already told you you’re not getting any money.”
You ask why and she says loudly, “Because I said so.” A typical person’s response to this would probably be, raising your voice to match hers while angrily saying “I want to speak to the manager.” A typical response for a person with anger management issues may also include some profanity and additional angry words towards her.
Now consider another situation. The teller says, “Richard, I’m sorry. I wish I could give you your money, but the computers are down and we have no way of looking into your account. We can print off directions for you to the next closest branch or give you a call when the computers are working again.” Most people even though they may be slightly upset, will say something like, “Okay, I guess I’ll just wait for your call.”
For information on reasons two, three and four, click on the links listed at the top of the page.
At some point in time as parents we have all endured that one tantrum that really tops them all. Looking back you might even be able to find some humor in the situation. I'd love to hear your tantrum story that will help others know they are not alone in the war against temper tantrums.
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Tantrum at preschool openhouse
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Although we had experienced some tantrums prior to this day, nothing could have prepared me for this one. We went to check out my son's new preschool, meet ...
