While I believe this can work to gain some compliance, it is often difficult to consistently maintain this type of program for parents and usually when the program is not in place the compliance ceases to exist.
Therefore, the compliance strategies for defiant children that are outlined here are intended to be used as a normal part of a child’s day.
You can use a reinforcement program for your child participating in his or her daily schedule through the use of a
behavior chart,
but it will be most effective when used along with the following tips.
I also recommend reading my free eBook
Child Behavior Guide:What you need to know
before applying the following compliance strategies for defiant children, to be sure that your child's refusals aren't due to other reasons.
Organize your child’s daily activities so that they occur in the same order each day as much as possible.
This first strategy for defiant children is ultimately the most important. Developing a routine helps a child to know what to expect and increases the chances that he or she will comply with things such as chores, homework, and hygiene requests. When undesirable activities occur in the same order at optimal times during the day, they become habits that are not questioned, but done without thought.
Chances are that you have developed some type of routine for yourself in terms of showering, cleaning your house, or doing other types of work. You have an idea in your mind when you will do these things on a regular basis and this helps you to know what to expect. In fact, you have probably already been using most of these compliance strategies for yourself without realizing it.
For children, without setting these expectations on a daily basis by making them part of a regular routine, they can become very upset. Just like adults, children think about what they plan to do that day and expect to be able to do what they want. So, when you come along and ask them to do something they weren’t already planning to do that day, this can result in automatic refusals and other undesirable behavior. However, by using this compliance strategy with defiant children, these activities are done almost every day in the same general order and the child expects to already do them.
If for some reason it is absolutely impossible to do a regular routine in pretty much the same order every day, put together a written (if your child is able to read) or picture schedule for your child to view each day.
While this compliance strategy for defiant children requires more effort on your part initially, if it would make a difference in your everyday battles wouldn't it be worth it? One or two hours of work in exchange for days and months of peace? You can put together the schedule each day as needed by arranging the laminated pictures on a velcro strip, writing on a dry erase schedule board, or arranging pictures or written words on a computer to be printed off.
Go over the schedule at night before bed explaining what will happen the next day, again in the morning, and then continue to cross or check off each item as it is completed as you are able. Be sure to include lots of fun things to do as well.
Organize fun activities to occur after frequently refused activities.
This strategy also works as a positive reinforcer when a the child complies with your requests. By arranging your day so that things often refused occur right before highly preferred activities, you are able to motivate your child’s behavior of doing the undesirable activity.
This is not to be presented in a way that the preferred activity is only allowed if your child does the non-preferred activity. However, you can word your request in a way so that your child assumes that you have to do the non-preferred activity before moving on to the next preferred activity.
For example, you do not want to say something such as, “If you clean your room we can play a game.” Instead word your request like this, “As soon as you are done cleaning your room we will be able to play that really fun game you wanted to play.”
Praise, Praise, Praise.
This is probably a common term you are used to hearing by now. If you praise your child’s behavior, he or she will be more likely to do that behavior. So, it is essential ot use praise when working with defiant children. It also provides your child with positive attention. However, it is important to know how to praise in a way that encourages future automatic reinforcement for your child when doing a similar behavior.
How to Praise
Saying things, such as good job after a gaining compliance, work well when dealing with defiant children, but it’s important to use descriptive praise (state the exact behavior you are praising) and correlate it to why that behavior was so important.
For example, if your child helped you pick up his or her toys you may say something like this, “Awesome job cleaning up your toys. I’m so proud of you for helping around the house. By cleaning up your toys, we don’t have to worry about someone tripping and falling or getting hurt. That is really responsible of you to clean your toys up to help keep everyone safe. You should be really proud of yourself.”
If your child brushed his or her teeth, you may say something like this, “Way to go brushing your teeth! I’m so proud of you for making sure your teeth are clean, so that you don’t get any cavities (or owies) in your mouth. You should be proud of yourself for taking responsibility and brushing your teeth!”
Be sure to focus on telling your child to be proud of his own behavior and the effort involved more than the product. This helps to not only encourage the behavior in the future, but for your child to understand why you are always making requests to do that behavior.
Sometimes things can become too focused on compliance without emphasizing why the actual behavior is important to the child as a way to gain natural compliance because your child begins to understand the importance and feels more responsible and proud of his or her behavior, both natural reinforcers.
Therefore, the compliance strategies for defiant children that are outlined here are intended to be used as a normal part of a child’s day.
